Notes from Elsewhere

On Relationships: Finding Commitment

“It’s easy to find a girlfriend, but difficult to find a wife.”

The following advice emerged from some casual notes I made when my other half asked me for advice to share with friends about finding a spouse. As someone who secretly cares deeply about people but, without surcease, felt an alien, I’ve spent my life paying close attention to how relationships are built and broken. My insights come from personal experience, countless conversations with friends and family and even strangers, in addition to witnessing both happily-ever-afters and painful breakups. (On that note, people tend to discuss their relationship problems with me often; maybe my blank expression gives them the illusion of me being a good listener.)

Now, while these observations come from personal experience and countless conversations, it’s worth noting that decades of longitudinal research involving thousands of couples backs up much of what follows. Studies tracking couples over more than 20 years reveal distinctly predictable patterns in what leads to success and failure, and can even show uncanny accuracy in predicting outcomes. That said, I’ve deliberately avoided drowning you in statistics, since this is practical advice and not an academic treatise.

Before You Start Looking

Know Thyself

Before you even begin searching, it’s important to think about what you are looking for in a potential spouse. Many people stumble into relationships first, hoping to figure out their values along the way, and that’s a viable path, but solely approaching things in this haphazard way can lead to years wasted on ultimate heartbreak. The preliminary work happens in solitude.

Many people stumble into relationships first, hoping to figure out their values along the way, and that’s a viable path, but solely approaching things in this haphazard way can lead to years wasted on ultimate heartbreak. The preliminary work happens in solitude. If you’re looking for your other half, you’re seeking an apogean best friend—someone with whom you can share everything and who will maintain confidence without passing judgement. You want someone on whom you can mutually rely during tough times, someone loyal who will defend you publicly even if you’re mistaken, but later in private, honestly tell you that you were, in fact, wrong. You’re pursuing someone who encourages you to become your best self while evolving alongside you. You’re seeking a reciprocal process of two stones polishing each other.

One of the most overlooked features of contently everlasting relationships is that it’s absolutely crucial your values align (note that I have said your values should align, not necessarily coincide), which makes it imperative that you figure out what you really value. Chances are that you don’t actually know yourself as well as you think you do, so take some time to examine yourself, but don’t dwell on it. Do you value family, community, faith, trust, loyalty, honesty, respect, fairness, charity, social harmony, gratitude, and creativity? More importantly, how these values hold under pressure? If one of your parents becomes gravely ill and needs full-time care, does ‘family’ still trump ‘career’? When a close friend asks you to hide their affair, does ‘loyalty’ override ‘honesty’? And it’s important to recognise that what you value at 25—maybe career and money—will shift dramatically as you grow. At 45, it might become love and family that matter when you’re caring for children and aging parents. The shift will happen gradually, and it matters immensely who will be beside you when it does because the person who shares your current values but follows a different trajectory will become a stranger to you in middle age.

And you know, you should value trust, loyalty, honesty, and respect—not just demand them, but provide them in return. Without these, you can’t build any lasting relationship; honesty strengthens relationships, even when the truth stings initially. Indeed, research confirms this. Couples who maintain transparent communication survive longer and were more satisfied overall. Lies, omissions, and walking on eggshells—none of these things build trust. Neither do overreactions to lovingly spoken truths. I said lovingly spoken truths: don’t tell them that, yes, they looks like Porky Pig in that outfit, and they should change if they value their dignity. There’s a difference between honesty and cruelty disguised as frankness. Analysis of thousands of couples revealed that the strongest predictors of relationship success included perceived commitment and how well couples handled conflict together—all of which require foundational honesty.

Define Your Preferred Lifestyle

As I said, you need to think about whether your values align, not simply coincide. If both of you prioritise your careers above all else, it’s likely that you’ll continually postpone marriage and having children, even if they’re significant goals for you. In your early twenties, dual career ambition feels sustainable—you’re both climbing, both energised. But what happens when, by your mid-thirties, one of you hits that likely career ceiling or faces a major opportunity requiring relocation? Whose career bends? By your forties, if you’ve continued postponing children, you’ll face either expensive medical intervention with its own emotional toll or the utter grief of closed possibilities. The question isn’t merely “Do we both value careers?” but “whose career gives way when circumstances force us to choose, and how will we both feel about that decision ten years later?” If your other half wants to travel the world, but you intend to stay put in familiarity, you’ll inevitably clash, and the end will be painful. Importantly, both of you need to put each other first—before careers, friends, and everything else (until you have children, that is). You shouldn’t neglect each other by working too much or going out with friends constantly. Where the line of “too much” lies varies for each couple, and work-life balance can be difficult to navigate, but you should be spending more time with each other rather than with others.

Interestingly, during COVID-19, divorce rates soared in some places. Among many factors was this important one: couples who previously had spent little spare time together were suddenly forced to spend twenty-four hours per day in the same house as each other, and what many of them realised was that they didn’t like each other much, discovered their incompatibility, and ultimately ended up divorced. It’s important to marry someone with whom you can spend all your time and still maintain your love.

Regarding values, before entering a relationship with marriage in mind, you need to know what kind of lifestyle and family dynamic you want. How many kids? Who manages the household? Who’s the primary breadwinner? Will you both work, or will one be a stay-at-home parent? How will you handle money? Would you trust them with money? (If not, neither of you is ready for marriage). How will the children be raised? What faith will the children have? Where do you want to live? If one partner is a minimalist off-grid type who wants to run a farm in the countryside with seven children, while the other is a city slicker who wants an elaborate apartment in the centre of everything with one child and a nanny included, then one or both of you will constantly be unhappy.

Critically, faith matters: will you share the same beliefs? What faith will your kids follow? Will one of you convert if you don’t share the same faith? How will you practice your faith? In what ways do your beliefs impact your values? How do they shape your outlook and lifestyle and relationship expectations? Don’t expect that they’ll convert for you or that you’ll eventually talk them around. It doesn’t happen this way, and it would be unwise to bank on being the rare exception to this rule. It is, of course, possible to grow in faith together, but it shouldn’t be taken as a given that you will: you’ll be sorely disappointed and face a painful breakup eventually if you can’t ultimately agree. Remember the following as a general rule for everything in relationships: don’t assume you’ll change their mind about major things.

Am I Ready?

The most important thing to remember is that your significant other is a human who will have flaws. Everyone does, including you. Choose the flaws you can live with, and avoid the deal-breakers. Someone superficial and constantly seeking validation from others is more likely to be unfaithful (a deal-breaker), whereas someone who talks too much is merely somewhat irritating (not a deal-breaker). A person solely concerned with financial gain will not love you once the money runs out (a dealbreaker); however, leaving toothpaste remnants in the sink is manageable (not a dealbreaker). Examine yourself too. Are you worth being in a relationship with right now? Are you ready for a serious relationship? Can you be a decent spouse as you currently are? Will you treat your partner the way you want to be treated? If you want them to be loyal, you need to be loyal. For them to care about family, you need to care about family. If you want them to be responsible, you must be responsible. And likewise, if you want them to only have eyes for you, you must have eyes only for them.

Where to Look

Incidentally, bars and clubs are usually difficult places to meet people seeking serious relationships. Sure, you may stumble upon someone decent at a club, but the nature of the place is wont to attract a mix of people, including many looking for casual or primal encounters rather than commitment. On the other hand, hobby clubs and interest-based groups can be a good place to meet someone who shares your interests—crucial for being best friends. You want a partner to spend time with, not someone who will consistently prioritise others over you or easily develop close dynamics with the opposite sex. All this doesn’t mean you need identical interests to an identical degree, but some overlap certainly helps, and taking genuine interest in your other half’s hobbies builds trust and closeness. (We’re discussing being happily married in this essay, not begrudgingly married).

When You Meet Someone Promising

Now that you know what you’re looking for, you need to consider where to find it and, more importantly, how to identify the people who will waste your time. The early stages are about efficient filtering, not yet about deep bonding.

Values Remain Important

If you want children, I’d strongly recommend avoiding anyone who’s unsure about wanting them. Experience says they probably don’t want them or will take a long time to decide, during which time you’ll be ahead of them and have to wait for them to catch up. Even if they eventually decide they do want children, the timing mismatch will only create lasting resentment. As I’ve said before, and really cannot stress enough, never build a relationship thinking you’ll eventually change their mind. If they’re unsure about marriage, kids, career, or values now, they probably won’t figure it out quickly, and may ultimately decide against what you want, wasting years of a life you could have both spent in more suitable circumstances. In my experience, they never decide and end up neither marrying nor having children.

Vanity

Be cautious of people who are overly curious about your career or money from the get-go, or put far too much emphasis on your appearance, status, or material belongings. I’m not saying to distrust all of them, but in the beginning stages, it could be a red flag. You don’t want someone who only wants you for your money, looks, or career because that is not genuine love, and they’ll disappear as soon as those superficialities do. Additionally, avoid demanding people; the demands will never stop, but will only grow. You will never be good enough. Eventually, they’ll find someone who will give them even more than you can.

Be wary of those who are excessively vain. I’m not talking about those who simply take care of themselves and dress well, but those who spend excessive time on their appearance. The woman who wears makeup thick enough to hide her identity, with eyebrows that don’t move and bloated lips, and who wears revealing clothing (showing too much form or too much skin), or the man with hair plugs, centre-of-the-sun teeth, and vanity muscles dedicated to his Instagram page with the caption “curls for the girls”. Here’s the problem: their vainglory and intemperate concern for appearance lead them to derive their self-esteem from the admiration of others. They won’t focus on your love and attention alone—they need constant validation from multiple sources. Watch for this pattern: in the first year, their social media use or need for external validation might seem like harmless social engagement. But five years in, you’ll notice the intensity hasn’t decreased as your bond deepened. Ten years later, when you’re exhausted from childbirth or a job loss, they’ll still demand the same external affirmation, leaving you to manage crises alone because their attention remains scattered among admirers rather than concentrated where it’s needed. You need someone who cares primarily about how you see them and wants your attention far above others’. Otherwise, you risk infidelity, jealousy, and the other emotional games that follow.

Apropos of that, don’t let physical attractiveness blind you to character. This is harder than you may think, even if you think you’re perfectly capable of ignoring looks. Humans are hardwired to accord unfair privileges to attractive people: we’re more likely to forgive major mistakes, ignore major flaws, assume noble intentions, and more likely to dismiss evidence of poor character. Be highly suspicious of your attitude towards attractive people. They may indeed be perfectly lovely people, but let their actions and words illustrate that, not their exterior.

Moreover, beauty is impermanent. You will both change; you’ll gain and lose weight, change shape and form, become tired or sick or stressed, and age. She’ll give birth, and her body will change; he’ll acquire a paunch and lose his hair. You’ll both grow old, wrinkly, and grey. Physical attraction means infinitely less than you can even imagine when you have real and unconditional love, especially when times are tough, and you need someone reliable.[^10] Research consistently shows that physical attractiveness has no bearing on the satisfaction within marriage, while factors such as commitment, appreciation, and conflict resolution skills were highly predictive of long-term happiness. How you treat each other matters a lot more than how you look doing it.

Personal Drama

When they mention past relationships, listen carefully. How do they speak about them? Do they take responsibility for their own flaws, or do they entirely blame their previous partner? How quickly do they bring up past relationships? Why did those relationships end? How many relationships have they had? Remember: if they’ll do it with you, they’ll do it to you.

Avoid those who play hard-to-get. This is a firm conviction based on consistent observations—in every case I’ve witnessed, the games never end. You’ll waste years of your life chasing the demands of a selfish person. They’re difficult to get now, deliberately making you jealous later, then ignoring you until you give them what they want, and the snowballing only continues. Your spouse should respect your thoughts and emotions and not demand only you accommodate theirs alone.

Crucially, neither of you should judge the other as a person. You can dislike the actions or behaviours, but don’t judge the character behind them. It will build resentment and destroy trust. Trust takes years to build, but only seconds to irreparably damage, or even destroy. Among those who are divorced, the most commonly cited reasons for divorce included a lack of commitment, infidelity, and persistent conflict (particularly about finances). That’s not especially surprising, but it’s worth keeping in mind when evaluating readiness for marriage.

As Things Deepen

You’ve found someone who passes the initial screening, and now comes the detective work which separates those who merely seem compatible from those who really are. Pay close attention to patterns, not solely individual moments.

Communication

Let’s address patterns that research consistently identifies as relationship killers. Decades of studying couple interactions has shown that there are four particularly fatal communication habits that predict divorce with startling accuracy: criticism (attacking character instead of addressing behaviour), contempt (superiority, sarcasm, name-calling), defensiveness (playing victim instead of taking responsibility), and stonewalling (shutting down and withdrawing). Contempt, incidentally, was the strongest predictor of relationship failure, even stronger than infidelity in some studies. It’s likely you’ll both experience these and be guilty of them. Instead of, “I’d appreciate more help with housework,” you’ll say, “You never do anything around here.” Instead of patient discussion, you’ll get eye-rolling and muttered remarks about your flaws. Instead of acknowledging any responsibility, he’ll deflect every concern you raise. Instead of working through problems, you’ll shut down and refuse to engage—or, worse, he’ll start up those circular arguments designed to confuse you into taking all the blame. In a healthy relationship, you address the behaviour, not the person’s character. Instead of saying, “You’re lazy and never help around the house,” you could say, “I’d appreciate more help with the housework.” Instead of rolling your eyes and muttering about their incompetence, you talk out the issue patiently. Don’t immediately deflect blame when they raise a concern, and definitely don’t shut down and refuse to engage.

That said, these patterns don’t exactly manifest identically across all potential circumstances. Criticism might emerge only when you’re exhausted or stressed about money. Contempt might appear only around particular topics—their family, your career, household responsibilities. Defensiveness might spike during certain life phases: the overwhelming newborn months, career setbacks, and health crises. And someone who never stonewalls in the first few years might develop that habit by year six when accumulated resentments make engagement feel futile. You need to watch for how these patterns appear, when they intensify, and whether they’re becoming more entrenched or improving as you both mature.

The couple who actually lasts maintains roughly five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict. I’m not suggesting you keep score like a living scoreboard, but when you argue—and you will—put considerable effort into being loving and kind, appreciative and affectionate, during the conflict itself. While arguments are inevitable, contempt is not.

Under Pressure

Sounds strange, but when you’re dating, doing something stressful together can help reveal your true characters, and that can help you see whether both of you are still compatible even under pressure.—though recognise that dating stress (a ruined holiday) differs fundamentally from marriage stress. The real tests come in waves across decades: your early years might bring job losses or difficult relocations. Years five through ten seem to often bring crushing exhaustion from young children alongside other life demands. Years fifteen through twenty-five might bring rebellious teenagers, ageing parents requiring care, and your own health issues—simultaneously. Years thirty through forty bring the grief of losing parents, potential empty-nest struggles, and unwanted retirement. And each phase demands different approaches. The communication that works when you’re young and resilient won’t suffice when you’re fifty, depleted, and grieving. Can you adapt your methods as your circumstances transform, or will you keep applying the same solutions regardless of which life stage you’re navigating? This is the importance of constantly growing and maturing and not getting stuck in thinking you’ve found the golden solution.

In a long-term relationship, you will face hardship, there will be arguments, and you will be so stressed that neither of you will behave particularly well at times. Shocker, I know. It’s absolutely vital that during these periods, you double your efforts on being loving towards each other. Don’t grow distant, don’t ask for space, and always sleep in the same bed even when you’re upset. Work to resolve things, listen to understand rather than respond, and try to find things you can acknowledge responsibility for, even if you think you’re blameless. When distance grows, trust erodes and resentment builds, and that’s a one-way path to eventual separation. It’s easy to love someone when you’re happy, but really difficult to love someone when times are challenging. Always choose the most loving path.

Conflict Resolution

Being loving means sometimes apologising even when you’re not wrong. Don’t constantly defend yourself, and do take some responsibility, since arguments always involve more than one person. No one is ever entirely blameless. It’s difficult to swallow your pride, especially when you think you’re right or feel the other person is unjust or unfair, but conflicts aren’t resolved by playing the blame game or bringing up past mistakes and arguments. Some advice from my grandmother: “There are always three sides to every story: what he said, what she said, and the truth.” Love is about compassion, forgiveness, mercy, selflessness, and wanting the best for each other. Love is about compassion, forgiveness, mercy, selflessness, and wanting the best for each other. But unconditional love does not mean enabling pernicious behaviour.

The Long View

Contrary to popular belief, recent research has challenged the notion that satisfaction in marriage inevitably declines over time. In fact, the reality is more nuanced. Couples with higher initial satisfaction tended to maintain that satisfaction, with the key insight here being that love doesn’t automatically fade over time, but is dependent on actively choosing to maintain or erode the bond. Couples that remained satisfied in their relationships were those that continued to put in effort instead of coasting on initial attraction.

As previously mentioned, relationships will face challenges and obstacles. Nothing will be flawless; neither of you will be completely happy at all times, and the honeymoon phase is not everlasting. You need to accept that such uncertainty is part of life and applies to all relationships. Relationships ebb and flow, growing more and less peaceful in (often unpredictable) cycles, and closeness waxes and wanes naturally too. It’s up to you to enjoy the good times and work through the unfortunate times together as a team. Be more loving when it feels harder, and work diligently at both yourself and the relationship. When the honeymoon period ends, that’s where the relationship meets its make-or-break phase, and deepens into something lasting or reveals the fundamental mismatch when comfortable illusions start dissolving. This phase is inevitable, and it does not necessarily mean the end—it’s up to both of you to work on yourselves and the relationship and push past the difficulties.

Conclusion

In summary, you must see them as being like you, not separate from you. Thinking in terms of “women are like this” and “men only want that” will hold you back from a loving and committed, long-term relationship. We are all human beings who simply hope to unearth love in this world. Treating each other as separate species only makes us view each other as enemies to be conquered instead of allies to be cherished.

Bibliography

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